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Thread: Joke Break

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594

    Joke Break

    What Religion is Your Bra?

    A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
    up
    to
    the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
    wife."
    "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the
    man, "There's
    more
    than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she
    showed a sea of
    bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually,
    even
    with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras
    to
    choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
    replied
    "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and
    the
    Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled,
    the
    man
    asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded,
    "It is
    all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses.
    The
    Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps
    them
    staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole
    hills."
    Bra Sizes Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
    are
    the
    letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but
    couldn't
    figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became
    informed!
    {A} Almost Boobs
    {B} Barely there
    {C} Can't Complain!
    {D} Dang!
    {DD} Double dang!
    {E} Enormous!
    {F} Fake.
    {G} Get a Reduction.
    {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

    hahahahahahahahah
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594
    Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

    Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

    Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

    "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!"

    Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and sheet...." So he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up
    to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

    Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem.... "Well, what poem did you tell her?"

    Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat rass over, I'd do you like a dog."
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  3. #3
    Twinsmom Guest

    funny........


  4. #4
    Twinsmom Guest

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594
    hahahhahah Twin wat di big daag di sey? she look so bored like eh di seh "oh please ah nuh in the mood fe get tickled" hahahahahh
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  6. #6
    Twinsmom Guest
    Originally posted by Mosquitorose
    hahahhahah Twin wat di big daag di sey? she look so bored like eh di seh "oh please ah nuh in the mood fe get tickled" hahahahahh
    I tink eh di seh "whe de rass di go ahn yah??? ....dis lee runted pip squeak gat latta nerves"...

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594

    Looking Forward to Retirement?

    Chu Rass! looks like we have all a dem da Florida ...especially innna Orlando...Jerry Synfeld said it's law that you go to Florida when you reach retirement age.......


    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
    has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
    to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
    brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
    "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
    radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    _______________________________________


    FAMILY

    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
    96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
    the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
    old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
    stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
    is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
    She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
    knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
    soon as I see who's at the door."
    _______________________________________

    I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
    March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
    second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
    am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________

    ROMANCE

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
    falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
    talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
    back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
    "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on
    the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
    "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
    clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To
    get my teeth!"
    _______________________________________

    OLD FRIENDS

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
    years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
    Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
    to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
    looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know
    we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your
    name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
    Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
    least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
    Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    _______________________________________

    SENIOR DRIVING

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
    rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
    "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
    wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" ," He said "It's not
    just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
    ______________________________________

    DRIVING

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
    barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
    came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
    through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
    "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
    light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
    the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
    woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
    been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
    was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the
    light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
    other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
    through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
    Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"



    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594

    Boyfriend?

    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked
    up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

    Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
    and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me
    feel so good, and the comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
    TV as my boyfriend."

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
    adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
    started hitting the back side, hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
    and there stood Grandma's minister.

    The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

    The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
    boyfriend."
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594
    Subject: New beverage

    Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
    Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails,' 'highballs', and the good old-fashioned 'stiff drink.' Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do."
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594

    GB you will like this....

    For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
    Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.


    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

  11. #11
    Guest
    A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
    The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were
    skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or
    velcro) for opening them.
    After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
    hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
    "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
    "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."


    Barroom one!




    Merciless

  12. #12
    Garifuna Bemetu Guest
    This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because
    her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day
    she passed an adult shop and saw some "crotchless panties" so she
    decided to buy some and try a ting . That evening she took a long
    bath and then she put on perfume and ting and then she put on a
    sexy negligee and her crotchless panties,
    Then she slithers into the room where her husband is watching
    TV as usual. She stands right in front of him, with one foot
    resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu
    want some a dis". Her husband looks up at her wide eyed and says.
    "No sah, yu no see wha it do to yu panty"

  13. #13
    TheTallGuy Guest

    Talking

    Subject: Message From Human Resources
    > >
    > > > Dear Staff,
    > > >
    > > > Welcome back to the office on this 1st day of the
    > > > year.
    > > > Please be advised that there are new rules and
    > > > regulations implemented
    > > > to raise the efficiency of our company.
    > > >
    > > > ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed
    > > > according to your
    > > > salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers
    > > > &carrying a Gucci bag we
    > > > assume you are doing well financially and therefore
    > > > you do not need a raise.
    > > > If
    > > > you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
    > > > money better, so
    > > > that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do
    > > > not need a raise.
    > > > If you dress in-between, you are right where you
    > > > need to be and
    > > > therefore you do not need a raise.
    > > >
    > > > PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104
    > > > personal days a year.
    > > > They are called Saturday &Sunday.
    > > >
    > > > LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
    > > > as they need to eat
    > > > more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
    > > > people get 15 minutes for
    > > > lunch to
    > > > get a balanced meal to maintain their average
    > > > figure. Fat people get
    > > > 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
    > > > needed to drink a Slim
    > > > Fast and take a diet pill.
    > > >
    > > > SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor
    > > > statement as proof of
    > > > sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
    > > > are able to come to
    > > > work.
    > > >
    > > > RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent
    > > > in the restroom.
    > > > There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
    > > > stalls. At the end of
    > > > three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
    > > > roll will retract,
    > > > the stall door will open and a picture will be
    > > > taken. After your second
    > > > offence, your picture will be posted on the company
    > > > bulletin board
    > > > under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
    > > >
    > > > SURGERY As long as you are an employee here, you
    > > > need all your organs.
    > > > You should not consider removing anything. We hired
    > > > you intact. To have
    > > > something removed constitutes a breach of
    > > > employment.
    > > >
    > > > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
    > > > here to provide a
    > > > positive employment experience. Therefore, all
    > > > questions, comments,
    > > > concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
    > > > aggravations,
    > > > insinuations, allegations, accusations,
    > > > contemplation, consternation
    > > > and input should be directed to the Unemployment
    > > > Offices.
    > > >
    > > > Have a nice day.
    > > > Human Recources Dept.
    > >
    > >

  14. #14
    TheTallGuy Guest

    Talking Makin phun of Attorneys

    According to the person who forwarded this to me, these are from a book "Disorder
    >in the American Courts" published by court reporters, and are purportedly things people said in court, taken down verbatim. Some I have seen before; others are new. In any event, herewith your chuckle for the day.
    >_____________________________
    >
    > Q: Are you sexually active?
    >
    > A: No, I just lie there.
    > __________________________________
    >
    > Q: What is your date of birth?
    >
    > A: July 15th.
    >
    > Q: What year?
    >
    > A: Every year.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    >
    > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    >
    > A: Yes.
    >
    > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    >
    > A: I forget.
    >
    > Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
    > forgotten?
    > _____________________________________
    >
    > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    >
    > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    >
    > Q: How long has he lived with you?
    >
    > A: Forty-five years.
    > _____________________________________
    >
    > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
    > that morning?
    >
    > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    >
    > Q: And why did that upset you?
    >
    > A: My name is Susan.
    > ____________________________________
    >
    > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
    > the occult?
    >
    > A: We both do.
    >
    > Q: Voodoo?
    >
    > A: We do.
    >
    > Q: You do?
    >
    > A: Yes, voodoo.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    >
    > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    > ___________________________________
    >
    > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    > _____________________________________
    >
    > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    >
    > A: Yes.
    >
    > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: She had three children, right?
    >
    > A: Yes.
    >
    > Q: How many were boys?
    >
    > A: None.
    >
    > Q: Were there any girls?
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    >
    > A: By death.
    >
    > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Can you describe the individual?
    >
    > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >
    > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    >
    > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    >
    > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    >
    > A: Oral.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    >
    > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    >
    > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    >
    > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    > ______________________________________
    >
    > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    >
    > A: No.
    >
    > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >
    > A: No.
    >
    > Q: Did you check for breathing?
    >
    > A: No.
    >
    > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    >
    > A: No.
    >
    > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >
    > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    >
    > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    >
    > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    >
    >

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    7,594
    A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
    > >the
    > > >counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
    > >guesses
    > > >there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender
    to
    > > >ask:
    > > >
    > > >"What's up with the jar?"
    > > >
    > > >Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then
    > >you
    > > >get all the money."
    > > >
    > > >Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender:"Pay first. Those are the
    > >rules.
    > > >So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
    jar.
    > > >
    > > >Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do." First
    > > >you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing
    > >once
    > > >AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull
    > > >chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove the tooth
    with
    > > >your bare hands. Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's
    never
    > > >had an orgasm in
    > > >her life. You gotta make things right for her."
    > > >
    > > >Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't
    > >do
    > > >it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and it gets
    crazier
    > > >from there."
    > > >
    > > >Bartender: "Your call, but your money stays in the jar."
    > > >
    > > >Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks "Wherez
    > >zatteeqeelah?"
    > >He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big
    > >slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
    > >Next
    > >he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle
    > >going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and
    eventually
    > >silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
    back
    > >into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
    "NOW,"
    > >he says, "where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"
    Love is a many splendid thing and food run a close second.

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